Conviction to be REAL

I haven't posted in a few weeks because, honestly, I have had nothing positive to say about the direction our adoption is going at this point in time. I was blessed to be able to attend an adoption support group (never thought I would ever attend a "support group" or have the need to attend one-doesn't God have a sense of humor?) this past weekend through an adoption ministry started through a group of adoptive parents at my church. The first part of the evening was more social, and then we all sat down and went around in a circle and shared our pre- and post-adoption struggles. A recurring theme was that these women (all the husbands but one were out-of-town) felt alone in their struggles because many blogs and online groups paint the adoption process as all "butterflies and rainbows." Let me tell you, this is not the way it really is! And, I felt very convicted that I am not being honest with the trials we are facing by only posting "good news" and "happy updates." Alot goes on in between the good times...

The truth is, I have been incredibly sad, disappointed, anxious, and depressed this summer as we wait on USCIS to approve us to bring our babies home. This approval means that we will finally make the coveted waiting list...no, we are still not on the waiting list after 8 months!!! I have never cried so much in my life. I cry on my way to work, sometimes at work, on my way home, and occasionally to sleep at night...my boys are the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I pray for before I fall asleep. Sometimes, when I am very still, my arms feel so incredibly empty that it takes my breath away. I knew this journey would be hard, but I never thought it would be this hard. I have been insanely jealous of everyone and anyone who gets on a waiting list for Ethiopia, no matter how long their wait is projected to be-even if it is longer than mine! Crazy, huh? And, I made my husband change the seats we have sat in at church for the past 2 years because I cannot sit behind the stroller section anymore without crying through half of the service. We won't even talk about my feelings when I spot a double-stroller!

Through all of these emotions and tears, the Lord has been so gracious to build a network of Christians around me to support us and lift us up. Another couple in our Sunday School class adopted a baby boy this year, and their wait was very long and had many ups and downs. They have been such an encouragement to us and have cheered us along by reminding us of the prize at the end of the journey. Another close friend of mine has been struggling with infertility for a year now. She and I have been able to honestly talk about our feelings and pray for one another to become mommies soon. I would never equate the adoption process to infertility, however, it has its similarities. We are both trying to get "pregnant", me on paper and my friend for real, and neither of us has been successful and our circumstances are currently out of our control. But, we both know that the Lord has placed in our hearts the passion to be mothers and that He will bring that desire to fruition. I'm so thankful for everyone who has encouraged us along the way, it means so much to me to know that others care for us and our babies and want to see us together as a family.

A verse that God keeps putting in front of me is Proverbs 16:9: "The mind of a man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." I know that He is trying to teach me that He has a plan and it is the best plan regardless of what I already have planned in my mind. You see, when we started this process, I thought that we would become parents next summer which would be perfect because that is a slower time at my job and the best time to take maternity leave. Well, God may have another idea because our wait time has increased by 3 months with no end in sight. I often wonder why God made me to be a planner and control-freak and call me to a passion and purpose which is almost completely out of my control?! I am trying to take comfort knowing that He knows who our children are...He knows their birth date...He knows when they are going to be orphaned...He knows when we will meet for the first time...He knows when we will become a family...He knows how long we will wait...He knew that this hold-up with Immigration would happen...He knew that we would need to start the process in January 2010 in order to get our children that He created for our family in the right timing...He knew that He would have to start working in our hearts to adopt almost 3 years ago so that all things would work together according to His plan! And He knows when I cry and He comforts me.

I know once all of our feet are on American soil and we are a family that I will say that Adoption is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, but also the greatest experience of my life, and I can't wait to do it again. Thank you, Lord, for the privilege of taking this journey with You and for holding our hands the entire way.