Tonight we finished up our homestudy for our adoption. This means we are another step closer to the waiting list...what a blessing! Our social worker talked to us tonight about "bonding and attachment." She totally burst my bubble and ruined my party! I have been SO excited about bringing my babies home and throwing a huge "Welcome Home, IRT and ERT" bash. In my mind, I had the whole party planned right down to the KY tea punch and invites with pictures of their little feet announcing their arrival and had chosen the professional photographer for the event. But no, the social worker (whom I really do love, by the way) told me that my party was not a good idea. Apparently, having tons of people in my babies' faces will be too overstimulating for them. And, here's the real kicker...I'm not supposed to let anyone hold the babies except for Isaac and I, like that's really going to happen! Basically, that's like telling my parents, "Look, but don't touch." I told my friend Kelly tonight that I'm struggling with this idea of keeping my babies to myself for the first few weeks because from the beginning of this process I have wanted to treat my adopted babies as I would have had I given birth to them. And now I feel like I'm already treating them as though they are different. I'm going to have to pray alot about this...I figure, God created these boys to be Treeshes, so I know they're going to love to party!
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Not that our situations have too much in common, but I understand the desire to allow others to hold your babies and have to deny people that opportunity. The reasons are completely different, but it's hard to tell people that the babies that have been praying so hard for aren't able to be held or seen for a little while. When I struggled with having not being allowed to take them to church for a couple of months after they came home, I kept reminding myself that I had to have that selfless love and do what was best for my children. I have never known what that kind of a selfless love is until I had children and it involves a lot of sacrifice. Don't be discouraged! You guys are doing a great thing!
ReplyDeleteThe grandmother who has no idea what her grandmother name will be says: Party on IRT. Party on ERT. Kyle you will know when the right time is to present your babies to your family & friends. Not to mention how do think that you are going to be able to keep them their Uncle Perry. For someone who hates to fly he would go get them today if you told him too. You have had a lot of experience with children and that experience has given you the confidence to be a parent. Go with your instinct.
ReplyDeleteRead Romans 8: 14-16 King James Version
2 Timothy 1:7 (New International Version)
1:7 For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
So says grandmother what's her name.
Hi, Kyle! I understand the attachment thing because I work with attachment-disordered kiddos, and I can sort of see where your social worker is coming from. My encouragement would be to think of it not as treating your babies differently at all, but as making sure that they don't miss out on a unique time with you and Isaac. It is technically "different", but only in the sense that it's happening on a delay. In terms of attaching with a biological child, a lot of that happens in utero and immediately after birth (like when nursing every few hours during the first days). During that time, your body would literally be first their home and then their home base between very short separations. During pregnancy and immediately post-partum, it's fairly common for mothers to be in near-constant contact with their babies, and this attachment period is critical to healthy development. Your babies won't get the experience of living in your body or nursing with you, so you'll be recreating that period of time for them in a special way, but it's not to isolate them or treat them as "different"... it's just a way to establish feelings of security and safety and attachment that they so truly deserve to have. In that sense, you would be doing for them exactly what you would have done for a baby that you birthed in a biological sense. Of course, how you hand all of this is a very personal choice for you and Isaac to make. I know you two love your babies already, and I know that you will both find ways to bond with them (whether others hold them or not). I'm so excited for you two, and I know that party will be an amazing celebration WHENEVER you choose to hold it! :)
ReplyDeleteCatherine Huffman